Geraldine Blecker

Weight is certainly a problem just after the Christmas holidays, when we’ve been stuffing ourselves senseless.So with your needs in mind, I’ve been looking into some brand new diets that are taking Beverly Hills by storm. Here’s are the top two.

 THE HOLLYWOOD COOKIE DIET 

Designed by Dr. Sanford Siegal, the Hollywood Cookie Diet is based on a carefully crafted recipe which suppresses hunger. You eat only one meal a day, supper, which should consist of 6 ounces of chicken, turkey or seafood.

So, what about the cookies? Not intended to replace a meal, you nibble on those whenever you get peckish and need to eat at least six a day (washing them down with at least eight glasses of water) for the diet to be effective. The one meal and six cookies amount to 800 calories, which is the point of the whole exercise.

  THE LIP GLOSS DIET 

 “Always on the lips. Never on the hips,” is the slogan advertising Fuze Slenderize Lip Gloss, which claims to contain active ingredients that curb the appetite, speed the metabolism, and boost energy levels. This is down to the wondrous new plant extract SuperCitrimax, which supposedly keeps hunger pangs at bay and stops the body converting carbohydrates into fat.

On the other hand, some bloke in the UK lost 140 lb by only eating baked beans!

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Nothing gives me more of a warm, fuzzy feeling of international closeness and hope for world peace in our times than the annual Eurovision Song Contest. 

This year's winner was Alexander Rybak of Norway, whose song FAIRYTALE - little better than any of the rest, quite honestly - obviously touched a chord with more than 100 million viewers watching the hours-long event in horrified fascination "live" per satellite from Moscow's Olympic Indoor Arena on May 16th.

As Europe seems to be getting larger by the minute - in fact, every time I get back it seems as if some new and unpronounceable territory has joined the Union, happily exchanging their Dogovian Slotniks for the Euro (currently 150 million Slotniks to the Euro) - 42 nations took part this year, some of which you are as unlikely to have heard of as you are to visit - at least if you know what's good for you. FYR Macedonia, for example, or Armenia, Belarus, Slovenia, Slovakia, Slobogostan, Montenegro, Moldova, Estonia, Upper Bogdavia, Lower Zscrenwcysk, Andorra, to name but a few. If nothing else, the 54th Eurovision Song Contest certainly served as a lesson in geography. I, for one, didn't even know that Israel and Azerbaijan were in Europe!

The general euphoria was unfortunately tarnished by the arrest of a group of gay rights protesters right outside the door, while Georgia was banned on political grounds for entering a song that disparaged Russian prime minister Putin, and the striptease artiste who performed alongside Germany's entry was felt to be in poor taste. This surprised me somewhat, as most of the contestants performed practically naked, which served as an effective distraction from the abysmal quality of the music.

Despite this, there were some poignant moments and worthy - if unrealistic - sentiments, such as Israel's appeal for harmony and understanding with Palenstine in its entry entitled There Must Be Another Way.

My cell phone fell apart the other day, stuck together with Scotch tape as it was. So I went shopping for a new one. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a new phone from my mobile service provider as I had just stupidly renewed my contract for another 80 years for no discernible benefits – but that’s another story for another time.

Believe it or not, I’ve been looking for a “dumb” phone. You know; the kind you used to use to just call people and maybe access voice mails. I don’t need a mobile entertainment center with “jamba”, samba, mamba, rumba, or any other kind of Latin American dance packages. No games, nor instant Internet connection when you accidentally press the wrong key. I don’t need 780 different ring tones with dancing frogs or puking hamsters, or email access; nor do I want to watch the latest Hollywood blockbuster on the tiny screen, or see my favourite sports team, TV soap, or any porn either, for that matter. I don’t need a 35 megapixel camera with a 100x digital zoom, 6-hour video recording, mp3 player, Am/FM radio, disco lightshow, toaster, baby alarm, RSS reader, portable X-ray machine, burglar alarm, diet plan, navigation system, dialysis machine, or integrated sex toy. I just want to be able to make a wretched phone call without being instantly connected to the Web Browser for $1,000 a minute.

I don’t want to chat on MyCase, ButtFace, SpaceBook, GlueTube, Twatter, or any other social network. I don’t want to flirt online, play Jeopardy or strip poker, or take part in any quizzes, contests, phone sex, or beam anything to anybody anywhere at any time. I don’t need smileys, pod-casts, jingles, templates, pop songs, psychedelic screensavers, clip art libraries, or videos. I don’t need Bluetooth, infra-red, or quad-band, nor do I need 38 security settings with separate pin numbers (all of them case sensitive), or a barium enema. I just want to make a fucking phone call… Is that asking too little?

It’s been a busy month for the scammers, if I’m anything to go by. Got back from the US on Feb. 3. One day later, I get a call from American Express, asking if I’d just spent $11,700 in a spa resort in New South Wales, Australia! Nice thought, but needless to say, it wasn’t me. Still, somebody did, courtesy of my Amex card. Now, this card had only been activated six weeks before, never been out of my sight and even I didn’t know the pin code or security number. So how the hell did they do that? Anyway, Amex, as polite and efficient as always, dealt with this matter and in a manner causing me zero personal grief and no financial loss - apart from the initial heart flutter at the news - and made it right.

About 10 minutes later, I’m opening the mail and find a bunch of accumulated bills from my mobile service provider (Debitel, who prefers to remain anonymous). On each of which an extra $15 had been added for "total costs for external services". What services? I asked myself. And Debitel, too, for that matter, when I called the help line. (Needless to say, they kept me hanging on for about 40 minutes at $50 a second, before picking up.)

Debitel couldn’t say, unfortunately, but advised me to contact the external service provider directly, who would give me the details. Neither could Debitel cancel aforesaid external service, which had to be canceled with the provider of same. Debitel did not balk, however, at adding the costs of these unknown services from their unknown provider to my bill and subsequently deducting the money from my bank account. When I protested about this, I was told that it was to be found in Debitel’s "general terms and conditions". At the bottom of page 874, I believe. I did, of course, request confirmation - like, something in writing - attesting to the fact that I had ordered such services (and from whom). Unfortunately, they could not provide that, either.

So, I called my bank to cancel Debitel's direct debit authorization. But the bank can’t do that, apparently. Only Debitel can. Once you have granted direct debit authorization to a vendor or service provider, only that party can cancel it! You can, of course, cancel each individual payment that is debited when you spot it on your statement. But you only have a certain time in which to do it, and you’ve got to keep on your toes. If you’re on the road and can’t contact your bank, you’ve lost the money!! The beat goes on - but I’ll save the next exciting episode in this long tale of woe for next month.

Sometimes I wonder how much better a world we could be living in, if man’s boundless enterprising spirit and creativity when it comes to fraud could be directed into positive channels - like saving the planet and stuff. Don’t you?

Ironically enough, the 2008 LA Auto Show, advertised as one of the most exciting events of the year and doubtless at a phenomenal cost, is taking place at the LA Convention Center from Nov. 19-30 - with admission free for kids under 12! (Make of that what you will, but I see it as a sure sign that drivers will be getting considerably younger in the not-too-distant future!).

Apart from all the new cars on display - although there are plenty to be seen along the miles of deserted auto showrooms on Santa Monica Blvd.- there will even be some autograph sessions with the cast of "Pimp My Ride" and the Major League Soccer All-Stars, as well as an appearance by the LA Lakers! 

 No doubt the CEOs from the three major US automakers will also be leaping into their private jets to fly in from Detroit, hot on the heels of their recent, pitiful performance in Washington, where they appeared to beg Congress for a $25 bn. handout. Not only did they arrive in 3 separate luxury jets (from the same place), which put everybody's noses truly out of joint - described by one Congressional leader as "turning up at a soup kitchen in a top hat and tails." - but they didn't even have a business plan to present when they got there. In fact, no one is quite sure how they arrived at the figure of $25 bn. in the first place.

Well, I've been involved in various business ventures in my time and even I know that if I want to beg, borrow or steal a paltry $50K to open my own toilet-paper company, I have to turn up at the bank with a business plan as thick as a telephone directory (or a toilet roll), including circles and arrows and graphs and pie charts, some aerial photography and a cash plan together with an activity flow chart for the next 30 years. Maybe I should have tried approaching Congress.... 

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