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IRONY & FAKE NEWS
The COTTON BALL DIET is especially popular in
The CABBAGE SOUP DIET also called the “Russian peasant diet,” the “Sacred Heart diet,” and the “TJ miracle soup diet,” consists of eating nothing but cabbage soup for a week. Claimed to generate a 10 pound weight loss, which is refuted by most experts. As most weight lost on this diet consists of water, the loss is temporary. Possible Side Effects: High sodium content and extremely low protein lead to feelings of weakness, and horrendous flatulence. (The FARTO speciailty drug store can provide relief for the latter).
The CAVEMAN DIET also known as the Paleolithic Diet, revolves around mimicking the diet of Stone Age man, (who had an average life span of 15 years). The only food allowed is what can be hunted and gathered, and consists of leaves, berries, roots, nuts and bushes. Lean meat and fish can be eaten, as long as you hunt and kill it all yourself, which is guaranteed to give you plenty of exercise. Grains, dairy products, salt, refined sugar, and oils are strictly off-limits. Possible Side Effects: Serious injuries can be sustained when running away from dangerous animals or eating the wrong bush.
The TAPEWORM DIET is almost too revolting to contemplate and involves ingesting tapeworm-infested raw or rotting meat (preferably beef) and then letting the parasite do its thing for up to 10 weeks. Then taking antibiotics to get rid of the things. Possible Side Effects: The little buggers won't go away.
And if none of these diets appeal to you, then I suggest my old time-tested, weight-loss favorites POOP-IT-OUT and CHUK-IT-UP, which work best taken after a liberal dose of hot sauce. I can specially recommend the ones featured below.
Or better still - to find out lots of dietary stuff you never knew, or already did but were trying to suppress, read THE DIET JOKE - A REPROGRAMMING GUIDE FOR PERPETUAL CONSUMERS by Lisa Padace, published by Big Shot Press, San Diego, or order directly online from http://www.thedietjoke.com/
And finally, if we are what we eat, then that explains this:
Fighting the Xmas Flab!
Weight is certainly a problem just after the Christmas holidays, when we’ve been stuffing ourselves senseless.So with your needs in mind, I’ve been looking into some brand new diets that are taking Beverly Hills by storm. Here’s are the top two.
THE HOLLYWOOD COOKIE DIET
So, what about the cookies? Not intended to replace a meal, you nibble on those whenever you get peckish and need to eat at least six a day (washing them down with at least eight glasses of water) for the diet to be effective. The one meal and six cookies amount to 800 calories, which is the point of the whole exercise.
THE LIP GLOSS DIET
“Always on the lips. Never on the hips,” is the slogan advertising Fuze Slenderize Lip Gloss, which claims to contain active ingredients that curb the appetite, speed the metabolism, and boost energy levels. This is down to the wondrous new plant extract SuperCitrimax, which supposedly keeps hunger pangs at bay and stops the body converting carbohydrates into fat.
On the other hand, some bloke in
THE SMELLY SNEAKER AWARD
The Smelly Sneaker Contest began in 1975 to boost shoe sales at a local sporting goods store and blossomed into a national event in 1988, when Odor-Eaters assumed sponsorship. Since then, it has fermented into the ultimate test of the degree of offensiveness that can be generated by a kid's sneakers. Footwear is judged on the conditions of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces or Velcro, eyelets/grommets, overall condition and, most importantly, odor, by a panel.
Fifteen-year-old Ben Russell, from
THE STELLA AWARDS
The Stella Awards are granted to people who file outrageous and frivolous lawsuits, named after Stella Liebeck who spilled a cup of McDonalds coffee onto her lap in 1992, causing third degree burns. She sued McDonalds and was awarded $2.9 million in damages, which was subsequently reduced by the court to $640,000, though she later settled with McDonalds for an undisclosed amount.
The last winner of the True Stella Award was Roy L. Pearson Jr., a 57-year-old Administrative Law Judge from
THE DARWIN AWARDS
Named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin, the Darwin Award is an honor, posthumously granted, to those who “do a service to humanity by accidentally removing themselves from the gene pool” - in a sublimely idiotic fashion.
Some examples of Darwin award winners include: Jumping out of a plane to film skydivers without wearing a parachute (US,1987); Trying to get enough light to look down the barrel of a loaded muzzleloader gun using a cigarette lighter (US, 1996); Attempting to play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic pistol that automatically loads the next round into the chamber, etc..
The most recent winner was “The Enema Within”, where a man died of alcohol poisoning after inserting two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry into his rectum.
Napping at work!
Bet you didn't know that a 20-minute nap can improve your overall alertness, boost your mood, increase your productivity and make your employer happy!
William Anthony, co-author of The Art of Napping at Work - this is no joke, this guy actually bothered to write a book about the topic and even got it published, (Larson Publications, 1999). His co-author seems to have had the good sense to remain anonymous!
Anyway, according to Mr. Anthony, the post-nap boost can last for several hours. In addition, your heart apparently reaps benefits.
In a six-year study of Greek adults, researchers found that men who took naps at least three times a week had a 37% lower risk of coronary-related death.
I don't suppose this had anything to do with the fact that those same Greek men didn't pig out on fatty foods washed down with plenty of beer like many of their US counterparts.
Then, don't forget, 43,7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Casting shows - a flash in the pan?
Hot on the heels of voting for Germany’s next Top Model, Pop Idol, Best Survivor, Worst Driver, Lousiest Mechanic, Fattest Viewer, Best Inventor, together with reality shows focusing on Wife Swapping, Home Redecorating, gay guys dressing straight dudes, and various coaches and counsellors tormenting juvenile delinquents live on TV, among a plethora of others equally mindless if not downright sadistic, Germany’s TV networks have just launched some choice new product. Here are the “top” three exciting new programs:
This is not a joke. 15 Crimpers compete before a jury of their utterly obscure and cretinous peers from the hairdressing world, as pictured here on the right.
Nor is RTL - who has a lot to answer for after inflicting BIG BROTHER on
The show’s host Til Schweiger (one of Germany’s "biggest” stars) and acting coach Bernhard Hiller serve as permanent judges, joined every week by a third and equally obscure juror. Famous guests include lots more people you’ve never heard of.
But public broadcaster ZDF, after choosing pop idols and top models, is not to be outdone and its latest show "Ich kann Kanzler" ("I can be Chancellor") hosted by Steffen Seibert, takes the cake, actually offering winners the chance to run the country.
Viewers can watch the cheap and cheesy videos submitted by six finalists, who outline their political agendas. Current favourite is 18-year old Delano Osterbrauck of Munich - who bears a startling resemblance to Barack Obama - and spouts meaningful slogans like "Harness the strengths of all our citizens."
40 out of the 2,500 contestants were selected to come to Bonn, where each one made a brief speech in the old Bundestag (German Parliament) before a panel of 3 judges composed of a politician, a TV talk show host, and a comedienne: All superbly qualified, I’m sure you will agree, to choose the next government leader in the country’s forthcoming elections on September 27.
As the TV networks obviously seem to be scraping the barrel here, I thought of a few new concepts for tasteless shows that would provide terrific entertainment.
Another step towards world peace
Nothing gives me more of a warm, fuzzy feeling of international closeness and hope for world peace in our times than the annual Eurovision Song Contest.
This year's winner was Alexander Rybak of Norway, whose song FAIRYTALE - little better than any of the rest, quite honestly - obviously touched a chord with more than 100 million viewers watching the hours-long event in horrified fascination "live" per satellite from Moscow's Olympic Indoor Arena on May 16th.
As Europe seems to be getting larger by the minute - in fact, every time I get back it seems as if some new and unpronounceable territory has joined the Union, happily exchanging their Dogovian Slotniks for the Euro (currently 150 million Slotniks to the Euro) - 42 nations took part this year, some of which you are as unlikely to have heard of as you are to visit - at least if you know what's good for you. FYR Macedonia, for example, or
The general euphoria was unfortunately tarnished by the arrest of a group of gay rights protesters right outside the door, while
Despite this, there were some poignant moments and worthy - if unrealistic - sentiments, such as Israel's appeal for harmony and understanding with Palenstine in its entry entitled There Must Be Another Way.
The Age of Communications
My cell phone fell apart the other day, stuck together with Scotch tape as it was. So I went shopping for a new one. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a new phone from my mobile service provider as I had just stupidly renewed my contract for another 80 years for no discernible benefits – but that’s another story for another time.
Believe it or not, I’ve been looking for a “dumb” phone. You know; the kind you used to use to just call people and maybe access voice mails. I don’t need a mobile entertainment center with “jamba”, samba, mamba, rumba, or any other kind of Latin American dance packages. No games, nor instant Internet connection when you accidentally press the wrong key. I don’t need 780 different ring tones with dancing frogs or puking hamsters, or email access; nor do I want to watch the latest Hollywood blockbuster on the tiny screen, or see my favourite sports team, TV soap, or any porn either, for that matter. I don’t need a 35 megapixel camera with a 100x digital zoom, 6-hour video recording, mp3 player, Am/FM radio, disco lightshow, toaster, baby alarm, RSS reader, portable X-ray machine, burglar alarm, diet plan, navigation system, dialysis machine, or integrated sex toy. I just want to be able to make a wretched phone call without being instantly connected to the Web Browser for $1,000 a minute.
I don’t want to chat on MyCase, ButtFace, SpaceBook, GlueTube, Twatter, or any other social network. I don’t want to flirt online, play Jeopardy or strip poker, or take part in any quizzes, contests, phone sex, or beam anything to anybody anywhere at any time. I don’t need smileys, pod-casts, jingles, templates, pop songs, psychedelic screensavers, clip art libraries, or videos. I don’t need Bluetooth, infra-red, or quad-band, nor do I need 38 security settings with separate pin numbers (all of them case sensitive), or a barium enema. I just want to make a fucking phone call… Is that asking too little?
Scams of the month...
It’s been a busy month for the scammers, if I’m anything to go by. Got back from the
About 10 minutes later, I’m opening the mail and find a bunch of accumulated bills from my mobile service provider (Debitel, who prefers to remain anonymous). On each of which an extra $15 had been added for "total costs for external services". What services? I asked myself. And Debitel, too, for that matter, when I called the help line. (Needless to say, they kept me hanging on for about 40 minutes at $50 a second, before picking up.)
Debitel couldn’t say, unfortunately, but advised me to contact the external service provider directly, who would give me the details. Neither could Debitel cancel aforesaid external service, which had to be canceled with the provider of same. Debitel did not balk, however, at adding the costs of these unknown services from their unknown provider to my bill and subsequently deducting the money from my bank account. When I protested about this, I was told that it was to be found in Debitel’s "general terms and conditions". At the bottom of page 874, I believe. I did, of course, request confirmation - like, something in writing - attesting to the fact that I had ordered such services (and from whom). Unfortunately, they could not provide that, either.
So, I called my bank to cancel Debitel's direct debit authorization. But the bank can’t do that, apparently. Only Debitel can. Once you have granted direct debit authorization to a vendor or service provider, only that party can cancel it! You can, of course, cancel each individual payment that is debited when you spot it on your statement. But you only have a certain time in which to do it, and you’ve got to keep on your toes. If you’re on the road and can’t contact your bank, you’ve lost the money!! The beat goes on - but I’ll save the next exciting episode in this long tale of woe for next month.
Sometimes I wonder how much better a world we could be living in, if man’s boundless enterprising spirit and creativity when it comes to fraud could be directed into positive channels - like saving the planet and stuff. Don’t you?
I Want a Bailout!
Ironically enough, the 2008 LA Auto Show, advertised as one of the most exciting events of the year and doubtless at a phenomenal cost, is taking place at the LA Convention Center from Nov. 19-30 - with admission free for kids under 12! (Make of that what you will, but I see it as a sure sign that drivers will be getting considerably younger in the not-too-distant future!).
Apart from all the new cars on display - although there are plenty to be seen along the miles of deserted auto showrooms on Santa Monica Blvd.- there will even be some autograph sessions with the cast of "Pimp My Ride" and the Major League Soccer All-Stars, as well as an appearance by the LA Lakers!
No doubt the CEOs from the three major US automakers will also be leaping into their private jets to fly in from Detroit, hot on the heels of their recent, pitiful performance in Washington, where they appeared to beg Congress for a $25 bn. handout. Not only did they arrive in 3 separate luxury jets (from the same place), which put everybody's noses truly out of joint - described by one Congressional leader as "turning up at a soup kitchen in a top hat and tails." - but they didn't even have a business plan to present when they got there. In fact, no one is quite sure how they arrived at the figure of $25 bn. in the first place.
Well, I've been involved in various business ventures in my time and even I know that if I want to beg, borrow or steal a paltry $50K to open my own toilet-paper company, I have to turn up at the bank with a business plan as thick as a telephone directory (or a toilet roll), including circles and arrows and graphs and pie charts, some aerial photography and a cash plan together with an activity flow chart for the next 30 years. Maybe I should have tried approaching Congress....
Telecommunication, Spam and Viagra...
As this is how most people communicate these days, no serious bitching would be complete without some mention of telecommunication and Spam. Everybody you know seems to have at least 35 different email addresses and 18 phone numbers, although strangely enough, this does not make contact any easier. No one in the
Now, you can install a million firewalls, anti-virus programs and spam-blockers, which will only serve to slow down your PC, clutter up your hard drive, and make sure you can’t get in touch with anyone at all. But the SPAM will still slip through.
... a Hard View
A few months back, I wrote an amusing (I thought) little piece about all the glorious financial opportunities that were landing in my spam folder. You know the ones, the Spam Scams telling you about the lottery tickets you’ve won, the FedEx package that has just arrived in your name, employees of various banks who want you to help them get millions out of the country, the terminally ill wanting you to distribute their wealth to worthy causes because they don’t trust their families, etc., etc., all in a transparent attempt to access your bank account details and/or - if you are naïve enough to be hooked - get you to fork out a few hundred bucks for certain "processing fees".
These are some of the loglines:Good news, you have a package with Fed-Ex, Congratulations lucky winner, Future millionaires wanted, Important notice! and Greetings to you! (I find that one particularly ominous) International ATM Credit Settlement. Then there are the educational prospects: A Radiology degree offers new career opportunities, A rewarding career begins with a degree, A brighter future starts with a medical billing degree and Ever thought about getting into pharmaceuticals? (Oh boy, have I!).
But by far the most spam seems to revolve around erections or lack of same, which leads me to assume that the male erection, or lack of same, is a bigger problem than I had ever supposed. What used to be the relatively discreet Get your Viagra online has evolved into some very imaginative slogans, all of which seem to be aimed at the impotent American market: When the tool is hard life is good, How to control your ejaculations, Your pecker will grow by inches (why stop there? Why not yards?). This next one’s really weird: You can make your daughter groan girls from pleasure? (not composed by an English-speaker, surely?), Get bigger and harder erections, Want a king pecker?, Rock hard is the only result we give, Express size increase only with magic growth, Proud American!, Cheap method to increasing your erection, Boost your erection and sex life now, She will want to wrap her hands around your shaft (very graphic, that one). And my personal favorite: Put power in your pecker (short and to the point).
The number of websites and online pharmacies devoted to flogging comparatively priced Viagra and generic drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, like Cialis, Levitra, Tadalis, Meridia, Celebrex, and the Little Blue Pill, etc., is truly phenomenal. Wondering if this was a relatively recent development or if the problem had always been lurking in the male psyche, I tried to access some sales statistics, purported to be in billions, but came up against a stone wall. I shall, however, keep trying.
Meanwhile, I came across an article from 2001, reporting one of the first Viagra-related deaths, Mr. Kenneth Marsh of
What is certain, is that today more money is being spent on Viagra than on Alzheimer's research, which means that by 2040, there will a lot of old men with huge erections unlikely to know what to do with them.
Autor: Geraldine Blecker
E-Mail: [email protected]
All rights to the author